


unreality

by picht



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Newt, Character Study, Depersonalization, Derealization, Dissociation, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Mental Illness, Nonbinary Character, Transphobia, dissociative newt, mention of overdosing, neuroatypical character, nonbinary newt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 09:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picht/pseuds/picht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>//Well, okay, here’s the thing - they say they know it’s not real, but sometimes they’re lying in bed and they feel like they can’t move and they feel <em>empty</em> and they don’t feel like a solid being and they don’t know what being dead feels like and they don’t know what not being real feels like but they’re pretty sure if either of those things even <em>had</em> a feeling, it would be this.//</p><p>Newt doesn't ever tell anyone, but they're pretty sure they're not real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	unreality

**Author's Note:**

> i sort of have a track record of taking my own experiences with things and applying those experiences to characters i like, which is sort of what happened here.
> 
> dissociation is often associated as a coping mechanism for trauma of some sort, but it's also a symptom of various mental disorders such as bipolar disorder, and my own dissociation is the result of my bipolar disorder so i figured i might as well go the whole nine yards and apply the same to newt. that being said, everyone's experiences with mental illness is different, so newt's experiences in this certainly do not speak for everyone who suffers from dissociation.
> 
> also nonbinary newt because, again, i tend to apply my own experiences to characters i like and as a nonbinary person myself i immediately read newt as nonbinary while seeing the movie.
> 
> warnings for mentions of overdosing, transphobia, and there's a fair amount of ableist language in this.

Newt doesn’t ever tell anyone, but they’re not entirely sure they’re real. Or, they think maybe if they _are_ real, they’re dead (or at least in a coma and dreaming up everything that’s happened in their life).

They like to think back on all the times they might have died. There was the time when they were fifteen, taking half a bottle of benadryl after not sleeping for days, because they thought - well, okay, they aren’t actually sure what they were thinking, certainly not that they could _actually get away_ with taking half a bottle of benadryl without suffering liver failure or something, which actually may have been the point (but they don’t ever tell that bit their parents).

One time when they were in their mid twenties, being beat half to fucking death by a bunch of transphobic douchebags because they couldn't tell whether Newt was a girl or a boy (neither, actually, but it’s not like they had the opportunity to mention that in between getting their head bashed into the pavement). In this particular instance, Newt remembers thinking about how fucking typical it is that they make it through five attacks by gigantic alien monsters, only to be killed by a bunch of unworthy bigots.

Or perhaps that’s it; maybe they _had_ died in a kaiju attack (' _at least it’s a cooler way to go than being pummeled by a bunch of assholes_ ,’ Newt thinks bitterly to themself).

(On that note, perhaps the kaiju never existed at all. Perhaps none of the things that have happened ever actually _happened_ , maybe the Real Life Newt is lying in a hospital somewhere, deep in a coma. Or maybe they’re just really fucking delusional, really fucking _crazy_ and - they don’t like to think about that.)

-

They know they aren’t _actually_ dead - _well, they hope_ \- they know this is just another symptom of the chemical imbalance in their brain (and again they wonder how they can be so proud of their neurotype sometimes when it causes bullshit like this), but that doesn’t change the fact that it _feels_ like a reality. Sometimes - _oftentimes_ \- they feel like they’re not in control of their body, like they’re standing in the background and watching things unfold, but never actually experiencing it, and no knowledge of the fact that dissociation is a common symptom in people with bipolar disorder will change that.

-

Well, okay, here’s the thing - they say they know it’s not real, but sometimes they’re lying in bed and they feel like they can’t move and they feel _empty_ and they don’t feel like a solid being and they don’t know what being dead feels like and they don’t know what not being real feels like but they’re pretty sure if either of those things even _had_ a feeling, it would be this.

-

Sometimes Newt’s worried people can tell - by the lapses in communication, the times they occasionally fail to properly respond to stimuli, and how sometimes they just stop moving for a while, staring blankly into space and not making a sound and, just, _sometimes they’re worried people can tell_.

Because sometimes they catch Hermann squinting his eyes at them like he knows something’s not quite right, or the time Marshall Pentecost uncharacteristically gently reminded them to take their meds, or the time little Mako cornered them to ask if everything was okay, telling them that they can talk to her about anything, and she’s just a kid but in that moment she seems so grown up and mature that Newt almost breaks their own rules and confides in her, and, how would that conversation even go, they wonder. How does one tell a child that one thinks they might not be real? Newt doesn’t know, and they don’t particularly want to find out.

-

The tattoos help. The intense physical stimulus that comes with the needle is grounding, because no matter how much trouble they sometimes have reacting to the outside world during episodes, even they can’t just not react to the pain of a tattoo. Newt knows what people think, when they see their tattoos, Newt’s heard enough crude jokes about the tattoos, enough rude remarks, people calling him _unnatural_ and _disgusting_ , insinuating that they get off on it, but that’s not it at all; there’s nothing sexual about their reasoning behind their tattoos.

They never bother to correct anyone though, because they’re not entirely sure anybody would find the truth - that they make Newt feel less like they’re not a real person, that they make Newt feel like they’ve not actually fucking _died_ \- any better.

-

When Hermann finds out, it’s by accident, but still entirely Newt’s fault. They’re both sitting in the lab and Newt is not having a good day. Their skin feels tingly and foreign, they can’t tell what’s real and what they’re imagining, and, yeah, they’re almost 100% sure they aren’t a real person.

“What does being dead feel like?” Newt asks out loud without meaning to, and immediately regrets it.

Hermann gives them a weary look, eyebrow raised, and says, “How am I to know what being _dead_ feels like, Newton?” When Newt doesn’t immediately answer, Hermann’s eyebrows furrow as if he’s worried. “Is everything alright?”

“Hm? No, uh, yeah, everything’s fine, and it was a silly question, don’t pay attention to me.” There’s something slightly wobbly about their voice, something unconvincing, and Newt knows it, knows Hermann knows it, and they have kept this secret for too many years, guarded it even closer than the not-secret of their gender, and in this moment it doesn’t really matter that they would trust Hermann with their life, because they can’t deal with him giving them strange looks, thinking they’re crazy, inquiring about the last time they took their medication (which, fuck you, they’ve only for forgotten like twice this week), they can’t, they can’t, _they can’t_ -

“Newton,” Hermann says gently, trying to mask his worry behind his stupidly thick glasses, and hovers his hand just above Newt’s shoulder, because he’s known Newt long enough to be able to tell when Newt’s about to be overtaken by his anxiety, known Newt long enough to know that when they’re in such a state, being touched is the last thing they need. “You know you can tell me anything, right? One would assume that after nearly eight years of working together, such would be common knowledge, however...” He trails off, gazing at Newt with concern.

“Oh, uh, yeah, dude, absolutely.” Newt can’t look Hermann in the face, and somehow they know this is it, this is when Hermann finds out. And, you know, fuck everything, they’re already balls deep in this, might as well go for it. “It’s just. Okay, fuck.” They let out a breath and run a hand through their already messy hair. “I think... I think I might not be real.”

“...I beg your pardon?” Hermann asks, and his face is riddled with genuine confusion and concern, and it kind of kills Newt.

“It’s just. Dissociation. That’s what it is. It’s a... a _thing_ with my stupid fucking mental illness and I just. Shit, why am I even telling you this. Fuck.” Newt lets out a bitter laugh, squeezing their eyes shut.

“I don’t... I don’t think I quite understand-”

“Of _course_ you don’t, dude. It’s insane, I’m fucking _insane_ , god, I’m really sorry, what is wrong with me, oh my god.” In this moment, Newt wants to curl up and die ( _ha, get it, because he’s pretty sure he’s already dead_ ).

“If you would let me finish,” Hermann barks out, before taking a breath and evening out his tone to something gentler. “I don’t quite understand, but that does not mean I think you _insane_ , Newton, I know what dissociation is, and I’m not going to- to _judge_ you so harshly for this.” Newt finally looks up to him, eyes wide, not quite believing what they’re hearing.

(They’d conditioned themself for so long to believe that they should keep this part of them locked up, and now, someone’s finally finding out, and there’s not even- not even a _fuss_ about it or anything. What the fuck even-)

“I’m- thank you,” Newt says quietly, and Hermann slowly rests a comforting hand on Newt’s shoulder, and Newt knows that they could tell him to stop and he would immediately, would pretend like this never happened, but they realize they don’t want that. They look up at Hermann and think that maybe having someone _know_ , someone to be there and comfort them, will help. And when Hermann smiles reassuringly at them, they can’t help but smile shakily back.

-

(It doesn’t actually help all that much with preventing episodes; as it turns out, someone cannot just come along and _fix_ your mental illness just by being there, and more often than not, Newt still questions their existence, questions the existence of everyone and thing around them, but now when they lay still in bed, staring at the ceiling, certain that they’re in some sort of purgatory, that they’ve been dead for _years_ at least, Hermann is there, staring at the ceiling as well and holding their hand loosely, and it’s tethering, and they find it easier to breathe, and they feel more solid, more _real_.

So there’s that.)

**Author's Note:**

> whaaaaaat ok so that was a thing. i had meant for there to be more kissing but then i finished and reread it and realized there was not so much kissing but idk, i sort of feel like it's nice enough without the kissing, so. i hope you guys liked it and also sorry for the somewhat terrible title; if i'm not well enough known for projecting myself onto characters, i am at least the queen of shitty titles.
> 
> it's 6 am and i haven't slept in a while and i'm probably gonna regret posting this once i am no longer sleep deprived, but, you know, yolo.
> 
> :)
> 
> ps: you guys should be thankful i did not make a single _the sixth sense_ reference in this, because irl i have compared myself to bruce willis in the sixth sense like a million times while talking about my dissociation (because usually i think i'm probably dead, which you probably already guessed, but, you know), which probably says something about my personality (what, i'm not sure).


End file.
